@KizerBillhelm: Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it's your neighbor's window and they're calling the cops?
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@stephenjmolloy: Me: "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." Friends: "No thanks." Enemies: "Also no thanks."
@Matt_The_Fist: I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
@A_SternMan: [interview] Your résumé says you have a "take no prisoners attitude". You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
@tastefactory: GUY 1: I beat cancer GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe GUY 1: So what? GUY 2: And I didn't tell anyone about it when I got back GUY 1: You win