Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
You Might Also Like
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening