Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
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ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.