@WilliamRodgers: I "accidentally" washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again.... Yeah Accident

@OFalafel: Man on train saying he's in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

@Mikecanrant: A huge gorgeous butterfly landed on my arm just now. Naturally I screamed and flailed my arms around frantically, but lovely really.

@leftarmisme: My house isn't messy. It's 'Picasso-ish'.

@omgthatspunny: