@XplodingUnicorn: [Who Wants to be a Millionaire] Me: I'm stumped. Can I phone a friend? Host: What's your friend's name? Me: Wikipedia.

@PaperWash: me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter] cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm? me: snow storm?

@IamEnidColeslaw: I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

@AmishPornStar1: "Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I'm headed to the bar."

@d_duhwit: Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:"Do U find this is a tough neighborhood? Neighbor:"Na, u just use a slow cooker. Me:"What? n:"What