@thatUPSdude: Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym.
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@shutupmikeginn: Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp
@bdbdleeroybrown: My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
@Ygrene: Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren't left with salad Deli Manager: Me: so what else are you lying about
@DiGiornoPizza: Imagine a world without pizza. No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I'M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I'M SORRY