@thatUPSdude: Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym.
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@TheKegKiller: Me: You can't arrest me. I have to run a marathon today. Cop: Stop playing the race card.
@KateWhineHall: 6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day. Me: Well, thanks. 6yo: Can I have some chips?
@Rollmaninoz: *giraffe getting his daily coffee* G: usual grande mocha man Barista: gee that’s a… G: *sigh* B:…tall order G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Excited for the dance? 13yo: No, because you and mom will be there. Me: But I've been workin on my twerkin! 13yo: I need new parents.