@thatUPSdude: Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [Who Wants to be a Millionaire] Me: I'm stumped. Can I phone a friend? Host: What's your friend's name? Me: Wikipedia.
@PaperWash: me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter] cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm? me: snow storm?
@IamEnidColeslaw: I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face