My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
my mind
You just read my mind
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Happy Thanksgiving
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.