Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
We have a winner.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.