Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.