@wittwitbarista: Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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@simoncholland: Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
@BlondAmbitionTO: Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
@stephenjmolloy: [Job interview] "You list communication as a strength" Yes "Care to elaborate?" No
@Cheeseboy22: I've been refilling the same Evian water bottle for 6 months. So many people think I'm rich.