Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*