Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
You Might Also Like
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags