Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
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[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view