Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me when my alarm goes off
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.