@turkeyheadmac: Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don't apply the brakes
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@djdarrellripley: Oh, please... A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it's a cult!
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why was that guy yelling at you? [flashback to me ignoring the "one per customer" sign] me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
@FrenulumBreve: [Man in restaurant] I'll have that lobster please. *points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
@Snarfernini: 911: What's your emergency? Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?! 911: Be cool Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead