Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
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I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.