Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
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Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
#NeverForget
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.