Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
WWE is French for “yes”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.