Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
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nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Actually cracking up @ this
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.