Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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much to think about
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!