Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Always…
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.