Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
#Caturday
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs