@NicestHippo: Ever since childhood I've identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies
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@BareChesty: I just found out I passed my drug test.... Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.
@3sunzzz: [8am, phone rings] Hotel Desk: Ma'am we're going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning. Me: No worries, I have vodka.
@zachreinert03: Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD