I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival