Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.