@chrisanna4real: Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven't changed, just like she asked.
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@FilthyRichmond: Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.
@alldrolledup: A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
@sofarrsogud: ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh? JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
@LeslieInMpls: The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.