Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Passwords are more important than ever.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?