Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.