@daveexplosm: Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We're 21st-century cavemen.
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@calamitydaisy: I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.
@ErinChack: FRIEND: A ton of people were at the party last night ME: Thats only 14 people given an avg body wt of 136lbs F: This is why u werent invited
@KelFocker: I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
@TheKegKiller: Me: You can't arrest me. I have to run a marathon today. Cop: Stop playing the race card.