Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
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For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Me sliding into hell like
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!