Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.