Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
You Might Also Like
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
LOL!
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*