Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words