ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
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Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs