ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
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I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Has there ever been a more American story?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”