Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
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by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats