@davetureq: Ever since they started calling pole dancers "artists," I've been writing on my resume that my talents include "moving in artistic circles."
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@egg_dog: [death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: … Me: it sounded longer in my head.
@Elizasoul80: When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last" I feel like you don't know what misplace means.
@Jayson_Two_time: Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the "jack thingy" is at in the trunk and when he shows you.. That's when you push him in.
@Sassafrantz: The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter's 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.