Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
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Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
some cats are just doing for fun!
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.