Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
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Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro