Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
This raises questions
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Stop being racist to kettles.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.