When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
You Might Also Like
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside