@VerifiedDrunk: Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
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@CulturedRuffian: I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM, BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
@PrisonCookies: When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
@carlyken: Friend apologizes for mess. Friend has immaculate house. Open her closet. Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.
@causticbob: Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they'd broken one of my keyboard keys. I onder hich one.