@jazmasta: Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.
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@TeaPainUSA: If Trump wins the presidency, you know who's gonna be the most excited about buildin' a Southern border fence? Canada.
@KeetPotato: [wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things i asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy
@Cryptoterra: it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume
@ruinedpicnic: parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun