@jazmasta: Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.
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@MrJeberling: Once while eating bacon I said I was "getting piggy with it" and now I have no friends.
@JiminyKicksIt: Interviewer: "So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly."
@usermcuserface: Guy behind me in line at the gas station was standing close enough to reenact the pottery scene from ghost.