Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
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Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.