I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
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*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”