Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
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If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Brands during Pride
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.