Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
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It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.