@E_lok44: Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
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@AndyAsAdjective: [team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West] COACH: you idiots *melts*
@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: It's hum.. [30 min later] Cop: So you stapled his lips?
@BritXNic: Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don't need to hear how you got together.
@nettie0918: My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.