Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
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My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Nose
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.