*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
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My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Happy Caturday!
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.