In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad