Every Adele song is about lasagna.
You Might Also Like
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.