Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
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Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.