@joeldanger: Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
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@imteddybless: message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
@mistakentweets: Texting...because men didn't have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.
@notfaizzy: My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone's been thinking of me so much they're giving me a stroke!
@wolfpupy: the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk