Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
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Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost