Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.