Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
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GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”