Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
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“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more