@lecalabara: Every chair is a reclining chair when you're drunk.
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@Mr_Kapowski: You tell one kid there's candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you're never asked to babysit again
@taylorhosey1: How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven't seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker
@jazmasta: I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please. "Sir, that is a sleeping bag" *winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
@KalvinMacleod: Dave's coming over "Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?" [outside] THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING