@lecalabara: Every chair is a reclining chair when you're drunk.
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@Shelts99: Neighbour:How's the wife? Me:Glowing Neighbour:Pregnant? Me:No, she's on fire, just going for more wood Neighbour:You're sick Me:You're next
@ArfMeasures: [park] STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking ME: Yeah, he's interbred DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread
@werehedgehog: Don't go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
@baeblacksheep: I'm shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.