olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
You Might Also Like
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth